Naruto vs Sasuke: First To Three Kisses!
by Crystal Avatar
Summary: The Competitors? Naruto and Sasuke. The Game? Each Competitor must make one Lip2Lip, fully witnessed kiss with each of the three girls named for that competitor. The Prize: Undisputed Glory. May The Best Man Win! PLZ RNR!
1. Let The Games Begin!

_**Naruto vs. Sasuke: First To Three Kisses!**_

By: Crystal Avatar 

Disclaimer: Naruto Universe belongs to Kishimoto Masahi.

A/N: It's a plot that's been sitting in the back of my mind since all my other stories started. I normally DO accept flames, but if you're going to flame me for this one- please, don't. My self-esteem needs some time to recuperate. Flame me on the other stories I've written, if you really must.

Thanks (smile).

**Chapter One – Let The Games Begin!**

It was school vacation in Konoha.

Naruto and Sasuke were sitting down together at their favorite milk bar, The Stupid Screaming Pig's Vomit, busily laying down the groundwork for their next competition.

Like all young boys their age, they were eager to best the other, coming up with daring feats of strength, tests of bravery and various displays of cunning and intelligence.

"Okay, Sasuke, now I dare you to pull my finger," Naruto challenged.

"What do you think I am? Stupid? I know you're gonna do something to make me regret pulling that stupid appendage you call a finger, dumbass," Sasuke spat out, disgusted.

"Pull my finger or forever live with the fact that I'm better than you," Naruto retorted.

"Naruto, how old do you think I am? Twelve?" His partner replied skeptically.

"Well, yeah, Sasuke. So am I, what's the deal?" Naruto returned.

"Oh yeah," Sasuke snapped, shrugged to himself, and pulled Naruto's finger.

Naruto got up and slapped Sasuke across the face.

"Ow! Why the hell did you slap me on the face for?" Sasuke cried out angrily.

"Dude, that was like the eight time. You gotta learn someday," Naruto shrugged.

Sasuke blushed red with anger, his anger choking him up and bringing him to the edge of explosion. He was about to give Naruto an overdose of his own medicine when…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'm glad school's over, but that means I have less of an excuse to see Sasuke-kun!" Ino cried loudly, swinging the door to the popular establishment.

Yamanaka wasn't alone: Haruno Sakura, Hyuuga Hinata, Temari and TenTen were all there. The group of young women huddled at the counter, not noticing our two boys.

"No prob' for me! I get to see him everyday, anyway, seeing as we're in the same team. Vacation just means he'll have more time for me than usual!" Sakura replied proudly.

At that, Ino and Sakura got into some sort of strange, staring contest.

"What do you think of Uchiha Sasuke, Temari-san?" Hinata asked her girlfriend quietly.

"Well, to be honest… I think he's a bit handsome. He's not bad looking," Temari admitted with more seriousness in her voice than was needed.

She had trouble expressing her feelings, not sure of whether what she was saying was appropriate. But to her, Sasuke didn't mean nearly as much as he did to the other girls- he was merely a passing admiration, someone she respected and nothing more.

"Yeah, he's not too bad," Tenten chirped with some pride, "But if you ask me, Hinata, I think he's just a bit too overrated. My heart definitely belongs to another guy."

"Yeah… me too…" Hinata said under her breath.

"There's another guy you like besides Sasuke, Hinata?" Sakura suddenly cried in surprise, "Who is it? Who the heck is it? You're joking, right?"

"I can't say!" Hinata cried defensively, shielding herself with her own two arms.

"Two chocolate milkshakes please and a Stupid Screaming Pig Surprise and…" Ino pondered, as she ordered for her girlfriends at the counter.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hmm, seems like a 'girl's night' to me," Naruto whispered to his rival.

Oblivious to the fine, young ladies of Konoha, their conversation could clearly be heard by Naruto and Sasuke. What the girls hadn't realized, you see, was that their favorite booth happened to be the one closest to the counter.

'_It keeps the food fresher,_' Naruto had claimed.

Several minutes ago, at Ino's loud entrance into the store, Sasuke had brought his table menus to his face in order to hide his presence from the newest customers, Ino and company, instructing Naruto to do the same for his own sake.

"First day of vacation and I'm already having to avoid the girls," Sasuke sulked.

"Man, you are so gay. Not that I have anything against homosexuals," Naruto whispered back, in between the serviettes holder and a squeeze-tube of ketchup.

"Shut-up. You're gay," Sasuke snapped.

"Do you have anything against homosexuals?" Naruto returned.

"Well, no," Sasuke quipped, strapped for what to say.

"Then shut up and embrace your gayness, gay-boy."

Sasuke groaned and stared back at the group of girls, as they searched for a booth closer to the windows on the opposite side of the restaurant. As he cautiously eyed them between his children's menu and coloring-competition placemat entry form, an idea came to our angst-filled friend- an idea for a new competition.

One he was certain that Naruto could never win.

"Psst, Naruto… I got an idea," Sasuke whispered to his other.

"I was thinking the same thing," Naruto whispered in reply.

"You really were? What were you thinking?" Sasuke mumbled, amazed.

"I was thinking we get another bowl of fries. Or you can go ahead and pay the bill 'coz I'm still hungry and I think Ichiraku would be… what? Wasn't that what you were thinking?" Naruto snapped in hushed tones, noticing his friend's pained expression.

"No, idiot. I'm thinking of a new bet you and me could start on."

"What you got?"

"Well," Sasuke replied, "Here's the deal. I get to pick… umm… three- three girls in this entire village… and you get to do the same!"

"Uh-huh. And then what?" Naruto eyed him skeptically.

"Well, you have to score a kiss from each one of the three girls I name for you. I have to do the same for the three girls you name for me. First to get all three kisses…"

"Wait a sec, a k-kiss?" Naruto hissed. "Sasuke, are you out of your mind?"

"C'mon, Naruto. How bad could it be?"

Sasuke himself wasn't one hundred percent sure of whether he liked what he was signing himself up for, but there was nothing he wanted to see more than Naruto flailing his arms and drowning in the swimming pool called, 'Popularity With The Opposite Sex.'

"What do I get if I win?" Naruto asked, swallowing his fear.

"Well, I'll finally admit that you are a greater ninja than I am. I'll even tell the entire academy when school starts, over the P.A. system, that Uzumaki Naruto is way more powerful than me, Uchiha Sasuke, and that he should be the next Hokage!"

"Really?" Naruto cried, barely breaking a whisper.

"Yes- quiet down, man!" Sasuke chided him, "But if I win, you have to admit I'm a better ninja than you are- also over the P.A. system, when school starts."

Naruto thought about the stakes for a second.

'_A kiss from a girl- it couldn't be that hard to get one, right?'_ Naruto wondered.

"Okay! Deal! Who are the three girls you're choosing for me?" Naruto stood up to the plate, ready to take a swing at Sasuke's unique, but beatable challenge.

"Hmm, I choose for you…" Sasuke trailed off, eyeing the girls in the other booth, "Yamanaka Ino, Temari and… oh yes, Haruno Sakura."

'_Tch, he'll never score a kiss from any of those girls…'_ Sasuke assured himself.

Naruto grinned. With Jiraiya-sensei on his side, who happened to be a self-confessed expert of the female mind, he was sure to win. He was confident he could get the three kisses from his three girls before the other. He sought to the remaining girls for Sasuke.

"Then you have to score kisses from Hyuuga Hinata, TenTen and…"

"Who's the third gonna be, Naruto?" Sasuke grinned, brimming with as much confidence as his rival. He had total self-belief in his fame and utter coolness giving him victory.

"Umm," Naruto thought quickly about the last few women he had seen, then snapped, "Tsunade-sama! Yeah, that's your third girl, Sasuke!"

"The Hokage? What are you? Nuts?"

"What are you? Scared?" Came Naruto's reply.

"Deal," Sasuke finished with a seal of self-assurance. He couldn't bow down to Naruto.

"Good play, Sasuke! We'll see who wins then!" Naruto cried excitedly, eager to start.

"There's just a few more things I need to add," Sasuke hissed again, reminding Naruto to return to a whisper, "The kisses have to be full-on, mouth-to-mouth style and, as a way of proving that a kiss was made, they have to be witnessed by any of the other boys, who can confirm to the other that the score was made. The deadline is when school starts again."

"Agreed. So we have what… about three weeks to get three kisses?"

"Exactly," Sasuke confirmed, "May the best man win, Naruto."

Naruto turned to face the group of young girls having a drink at the booth on the other side. His mind was already brimming with questions and ideas. He was ready to win.

He turned to face his rival and, with a wink that just oozed total self-confidence, he said:

"Yeah- may the best man win, Sasuke."End Chapter

**THX FOR READING!**

**PLS SEND IN SOME REVIEWS IF YOU THINK THIS STORY DESERVES ANOTHER CHAPTER!  
**


	2. As Pretty As A Rose

**Chapter Two – As Pretty As A Rose (As Gentle As A Fly Trap)**

'_Heh, this should be easy_,' Naruto assured himself.

Naruto was in between the sunflowers and the red tulips, stalking his prey: Yamanaka Ino. Her store was like a South African jungle, so it wasn't hard finding a place to hide.

'_All I have to do is transform myself into Sasuke, ask for a kiss and presto: I've got Ino down pat!_' Naruto smiled to himself and felt his pride swell up in expectation.

He turned to Chouji, whom he had asked to be his witness, also trying to remain hidden from their prey in between the baby palm trees and the Venus fly traps, and gave him a raised thumb to confirm his next move.

He returned with the 'ok' signal.

'_Chouji better remember the plan!'_

At that, Naruto silently transformed into Sasuke, something he hadn't done since he had (nearly) fooled Sakura, and stalked out from between the flowers, flashing Ino an award-winning, playboy smile.

Ino was busily flicking through the pages of a magazine, when she looked up at the boy with a surprise and admiration that would've made Fabio jealous.

"Sa-Sasuke-kun! Wai!" Ino cried, jumping up and down like a stereotypical, Japanese schoolgirl, which she was, technically.

Stars filled her eyes and she began drooling like a dog all over her counter.

Suddenly, a pained expression came over (Fake) Sasuke's face.

'_Err… I didn't know Ino liked Sasuke this much…'_ Naruto said to himself with a degree of loathing for his sexy, dark-haired rival.

"Umm… h-hi, Ino-san!" Naruto waved happily at the girl.

"Hi, Sasuke-kun!" Ino cried excitedly. Naruto began to suspect that she had ruined her pants behind her little apron. He also began to suspect that she hadn't realized it herself.

Chouji gave him a reprimanding cough from his hiding spot.

'You're right, Chouji, that doesn't sound like Sasuke at all!' Naruto scolded himself. 'Let's try an introduction again!'

"Err… get away from me you… girl!" Naruto muttered in as deep a voice as he could muster, "I don't like girls… for some reason… I think I'm… gay…? "

'Yeah, that sounds like him!' Naruto cheered himself on.

Suddenly, the sound of a certain, round, male friend slapping his forehead was heard. Naruto had no idea why Chouji couldn't agree with his impersonation.

Ino stared at him with a confused look on her face. Naruto felt himself become nervous, as Ino's glare began to make him feel a little self-conscious.

"But don't worry, Ino-san, I have nothing against homosexuals, I can assure you," Naruto added reassuringly.

Ino continued to keep staring with the same confused expression painted on her face.

"But… I… err… like _you… _a lot! Yeah! You drive me nutso, Ino!" Naruto threw out in desperation.

Ino snapped out of her daze and the stars suddenly returned to her eyes.

"Re-really, Sasuke-kun? I knew it! You always have, haven't you?" Ino cried out in response.

"Yeah, sure. In fact…" Naruto trailed off.

He turned to Chouji and grinned at his plan's success.

"…I want you to kiss me, right now!" He replied.

"REALLY? OH MY GOD!" Ino yelled, slapping down hard on counter like some sort of animal.

'_God, now I know why it sucks to be you, Sasuke_.'

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Ino cried out as she leapt out from behind her counter and jumped towards the young man, claws stretched forward like some sort of crazy eagle.

Naruto leaned back, terrified by what the idea of a kiss from Sasuke had meant to this woman. An instinct kicked inside his head and he took a quick step back, dodging the killer young lady by an inch.

"Umm… wait, Ino. I need some time first, to, uh, check myself," Naruto begged her. "Give me a sec, will ya?"

Ino didn't listen as she clawed her way on the tiled floor towards her meat, in a classic scenario of hunters becoming the hunted.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" She cried out as if they were the only words she knew.

With the way her lips were pouted so unnaturally, she was like some sort of demonic fish-monkey. Like, there just wasn't a way to describe the inhumanity.

"Ino! Please! RELAX! OH MY GOD!" Naruto cried.

"Kiss! Kiss! KISS!"

Ino cried, as her fierce zombie-like hungers, which people had previously thought inexistent but had only lain dormant, began to surface in a violent rampage.

"SWEET JESUS! CHOUJI, HELP ME, DAMN IT!"

Naruto ran for the white roses and the wildflowers, trying desperately to keep the crate between him and the outraged, young girl.

He turned to the section Chouji had been hiding at.

"Ch- Chouji?"

But, by the time Naruto had turned to the door, he was already scampering out, running as fast as his two tumbler-legs could take him. That bastard.

Zombie Ino turned to the entrance at the sound of her door shutting closed and rushed over to it like an animal attracted to the noise.

Her hand came around and engaged about seven different locks with lightning fingers, before she turned around and peered for where her man would be hiding. She was also thoughtful enough to draw down the huge blinds that covered the huge windows facing the street.

"Oh no…" Naruto mumbled to himself.

"Sasuke-kun! Come out, please! I'll give you a…" He heard Ino call out to the store.

'_I have to cancel this jutsu… but HOW? I just can't seem to remember at a time like this…_'

"KISS! KISS! KISS! WAI!"

Naruto cringed as the Japanese-schoolgirl-slash-killer-monkey-fish came together in a violent explosion of passion and lust.

He watched as Ino stalked towards where he was hiding and checked to see if the path towards the daisies and the daffodils was clear, then made for a sprint towards them.

At the sound, Ino tore through a batch of her own flowers, searching anxiously for the long-deprived object of her hungry, hungry passions.

At his new hiding place, Naruto thought back to what the academy had taught him about the transformation technique. In his head, he projected a small figure of Iruka-sensei teaching him everything he needed to know about using the technique…

* * *

There were still certain holes in his understanding during the times he had napped, but he tried hard to recall what he knew. 

Iruka had been standing behind his desk in their homeroom that day, saying:

"The transformation technique: a highly reliable technique that a shinobi must learn to use when in enemy territory. It provides a clever disguise that (blank)… and can be used too (blank). You must always remember, when using the technique that (blank). Oh and one more thing: if ever you find yourself in a situation when your own teammates cannot tell its you, or, a crazy, horny young girl tries to tear you apart, armed with nothing but her tongue, make sure you cancel the jutsu by using the (MASSIVE BLANK). These hand seals will bring you back to normal in less than a second! Hey, Uzumaki and Nara again? WAKE THE HELL UP! BOTH OF YOU!"

* * *

'_Aww…I'm sorry I didn't listen, Iruka-sensei,'_ Naruto yelped inside, resting his face in his two palms. He was screwed and he knew it. 

"Sa…su…ke?" Ino cried devilishly, trying to find her kiss-kiss target. "I'm… taking… off… my… clothes…"

"NO, PLEASE DON'T!" Naruto cried out suddenly, inadvertently revealing his position. "SHIT!"

"Got ya!" Ino cried, dressed only in her white, lacy underwear, as she hopped towards the source of the noise, her legs caught between her apron and pants.

"Get away from me! Get away from me, Ino!"

"Ohhh… you're all mine now, Sasuke-kun! KISS! KISS! KISS!" She laughed evilly.

Naruto turned to his right, and then, to his left, searching desperately for an escape.

Ino had him cornered. There was no way out for him to run.

"NO INO! GET BACK! GET AWAY FROM ME, INO! NOOOOO!"

The blood-curdling death scream made the little roses bend down.

* * *

"Oh… okay…" Naruto coughed from his hospital bed. 

His face, his clothes, even his shoes, damn it, was covered in bright, pink lipstick stains. It was the Kunoichi No. 5 brand of lipstick that Ino happened to use quite regularly.

Chouji could clearly notice that, as he stared down at his friend with pity in his eyes.

"Sorry, Naruto…" His friend apologized. "But… I thought she was going to kill me! There's so much more food I needed to try… I didn't want to die so young!"

"It's… it's… okay. I'm just lucky I got out of there alive… I mean... look at me! Sasuke can't see me like this!" Naruto cried to his friend.

"That's so strange: I didn't know the jutsu could last for up to twelve hours in the average Genin if not cancelled. You only just turned back to your normal self half an hour ago! Couldn't you remember how to turn back?"

"Well… it KIND OF slipped my mind while I was being... RAVAGED by one of Sasuke's fan girls," Naruto wheezed in pain.

"Sorry, Naruto," Chouji looked down again.

Suddenly the nurse walked into Naruto's room to check his charts. The boys became silent in the presence of the old lady.

"Are you Naruto's friend? I'm sorry but you'll have to leave soon. Our little Naruto here took quite a beating today. I can't explain why his attacker would have wanted to kiss him all across his body but… well, at least he's stable. You see some strange things working in this hospital, I tell you," The old nurse giggled to herself.

"Sure, ma'am, but can't… my friend Chouji have five more… minutes?" Naruto asked weakly.

The nurse promptly nodded and left.

"Okay, Chouji… you weren't there to be my witness, but, how about… I'll shout you a bowl of ramen at Ichiraku… if you… if you lie for me and tell Sasuke... that you saw me kiss…kiss…kiss Ino."

"Well, it's the least I could do after leaving you alone like that… of course I'll do it, Naruto," Chouji took Naruto's hand, painted almost entirely in pink Kunoichi No. 5. He tried rubbing at the stains, but they were so deep, so 'in there', that they wouldn't fade from his skin.

He looked deep into his friend's eyes and vowed never to leave a fellow man alone on the battlefield, like he had done that day, ever again.

"By the way, Naruto…" Chouji whispered, brushing a tear from his cheek.

"Yes… yes… my sweet, darling friend… dear, Chouji," Naruto coughed.

"Do they still serve the famous pork-chop Ramen at Ichiraku?" Chouji asked curiously.

Suddenly, the heart monitor next to Naruto's bed began to pulse at an alarming rate.

"Grr, Chouji! Get out! Get out now! You better be there when I meet Sasuke!" Naruto growled.

"Yipes! Sure, Naruto!" Chouji cried, leaving a frustrated Naruto alone to his bed.

'_Well… at least… that's one… down.'_

Naruto told himself, as he closed lipstick-smudged eyelids to sleep.

'_One… down…_'


	3. Meet The Parents

**Chapter Three - Meet The Parents**

Hinata, goddess of shy, was busily making her way down to the grocery store.

"Hyuuga Hinata. So lovely, so sweet… like a flower that has not yet bloomed."

"Huh? Who's that?" The young, blue-haired girl looked all around to see who had complimented her.

"You are lucky tonight, young Hinata. You're walking down my street: 'Romance Lane'," the voice taunted with a mischievous giggle.

Hinata continued to sweep her surroundings, but couldn't determine where the voice was coming from. Something inside her began to panic.

She looked up at the street post: it read 'Romance Lane'.

'_Oh crap! I must have made a wrong turn at 'One Night Strand'_,' the young girl pondered. '_Now I have to walk down an extra block just to reach the store!_'

Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"W-who's there? Show yourself… please!" Hinata cried, activating her Byakugan.

But Uchiha Sasuke, Konoha's prodigal son, had already shown himself in front of her. His arms were crossed and his back was leaning against a light post. He looked up at her with a confident smile and eyes that dripped with smooth sophistication.

Sasuke brought two fingers to her face.

"Two things, Hinata: I am cool. You… like cool. Damn it, I got your number."

"Huh?" Hinata stared at him with a blank expression on her face. "It's j-just you Sasuke-kun? You nearly scared me… I have to buy g-groceries for my family…"

"J-just me? Baby, I'm the entire package. You want me- just like every other girl in this town. Screw the groceries; I'm the only thing you'll be wantin' to take home to mommy and daddy. And I don't have anything against meeting your parents, but if it were up to me, I say we wait a while first. We can have a little fun that way," Sasuke purred.

Sasuke grinned at her with a self-assurance that would make 'The Artist Formerly Known As Prince' rattle.

Hinata stared at him deftly. "G-goodbye, Sasuke-kun."

She nodded, and walked off, leaving a still-smiling, statue-like Sasuke standing in the middle of the street. Several moments passed. Tumbleweed blew across the street.

More tumbleweed blew across and it began raining all of a sudden.

Suddenly a random typhoon of rampaging tumbleweed blew across and knocked Sasuke into the telephone pole, whereby the pole snapped like a twig and came crashing down, narrowly missing the young boy by inches. The thunderstorm suddenly ended.

"Well, I was going to say you don't seem to be having a lot of luck but… god-damn, that was a lot of tumbleweed, Sasuke," A boy's voice suddenly remarked.

"Shut-up, Kiba. I told you to remain hidden until I scored the kiss," Sasuke scolded, squeezing his clothes dry and pulling out lodged tumbleweed from his, err, body.

"I was! I was hiding behind the fence like you told me too! But looks like she got away, eh, Sasuke-kun? Too bad," Kiba replied, hopping from behind the fence he had been hiding behind. Kiba, like every other boy in Konoha, didn't have as much admiration for Sasuke as the girls seemed to have. He was eager to leave and forget him, but…

"Didn't you say you always wanted to get back at Naruto? Well, like I said before, here's your chance! Help me beat him in this competition! You wanted him to be humiliated right? Well that's what'll happen if I win! Get your ass up and help me already!"

"Argh, alright already," Kiba groaned.

"Don't know what you have against the dumb-ass, but it works for me," Sasuke groaned.

For Kiba, if there was anyone he liked less than Sasuke, it was Naruto. He was no idiot; he could sniff the way Hinata acted whenever Naruto was around from a mile away. Kiba wanted the shy, little princess all to himself. He wanted her soft, petite body for his own.

"Ruff! Ruff! Hehehe!" Kiba suddenly howled, drooling like a dog.

"Right… Anyway, c'mon, we've got to chase her down the street," Sasuke ordered.

"Yes!" Kiba agreed, scooping his puppy into his jacket. "Let's go Akamaru!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What is taking that young lady so long?" A distressed Mrs. Hyuuga cried in alarm.

"GOD, WOMAN, CAN'T YOU STAY SILENT FOR A MINUTE?" Mr. Hyuuga replied, eagerly setting the second-last card to his nearly complete tower-of-cards.

"I told her… I told her… no socializing with strangers. No socializing with storekeepers. No socializing with people. No socializing with animals. No socializing with supernatural phenomena. No…" Mrs. Hyuuga went on in a flustered way.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Mr. Hyuuga replied. "THE DAMN CARDS!"

"I mean… she's a pretty girl and everything! She's… she's just growing up so fast and I wish that she would… boys will desire her and…" Mother went on.

Mr. Hyuuga tried his best to ignore the crazy woman behind him, focusing intensely on his card tower. It was nearly fourteen stories tall!

"They'll try to touch her and have their way with her… she's so naïve and…"

"HELLO? SHUT THAT PIE HOLE!" He said between gritted teeth.

"And why are those stupid cards so important to you? I ought to come over there and give that stupid tower a taste of my foot, that's what I ought to do. In fact, I'm coming over there right now and I'll show it just how overrated a 'Gentle Fist Style' really is!"

"NO! DAMN IT, WOMAN! COME HERE AND I KILL YOU DEAD!"

"No, Hiashi! I'm coming to get that stupid tower so you can grow up!"

"NO! KEEP YOUR STINKIN' PAWS OFF MY CASTLE, YOU CRAZY MEATWAGON!"

"It's mine! I'm taking that tower down!"

"NO! YOU GIVE ME NO CHOICE, WOMAN! I'M FIGHTING TO DEFEND MY TOWER! I'M GOING TO FIGHT! JUKEN- AH!" Mr. Hyuuga cried, charging his fist with an ominous blue chakra.

"Give me your best, you runt-for-a-husband! 'My foot-to-your-face style!'"

"DIE, CRAZY WOMAN! AHH!"

And that's how the Hyuuga family came to forget about Hinata's quest to buy the groceries.

Anyways…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Meanwhile, Hinata had just reached the end of her long-cut, and was just about to enter through the door to the grocery store when…

"Allow me?" A deep, male voice asked.

It was Sasuke, holding the door open for the pretty, young face.

"Sa-Sasuke-kun? Again? Err… th-thank you, Sasuke-kun," Hinata whelped.

The girl walked into the store, Sasuke following behind in close tow, giving a suspicious nod to someone behind the dumpster outside the store.

"Listen, Hinata, I'm really sorry about earlier. I'm not usually that overpoweringly cool. I can be subtle too. In fact, let me show you how much of a gentleman I can be. Please, give me a chance, by allowing me to help you with your grocery shopping," Sasuke offered sweetly.

'_Damn it! At this rate, I'll never beat Naruto! I'll do anything to make her kiss me!_'

"Okay, Sasuke-kun. Thank you?" Hinata replied innocently, not wanting to decline his help.

"Hmm? So what do you need?" Sasuke mumbled helpfully.

"Apples…?" Hinata mumbled from memory.

"No problem! By the way, Hinata, have I ever told you that you are the apple of my eye?" Sasuke asked, reaching for a few apples and placing them in Hinata's hand basket. He had no idea what the metaphor meant and had no idea what the idiot who thought you could fit an apple in your eye had been smoking at the time the phrase was conjured.

"Umm, no. Okay, Strawberries?"

"Strawberries… So sweet and so tender… So feminine and soft… Strawberries." Sasuke chirped, trying his best to sound 'chirpy', even though a drunken paperweight would've sounded chirpier than he did then as he picked up a punnet and gave it to her.

"Right, I need two quarts of milk."

"The sweet, nourishing goodness that fills my soul. You're like the source of all that goodness, Hinata. In fact, you're like some sort of big, sexy… _cow_ to me. Yeah… moo for me, Hinata. Let me hear your milky goodness… umm… resonate from within… moo," Sasuke begged painfully, bringing a hand to his chest and placing the milk in her basket.

"M-m-moo? Okay, Sasuke, find me some batteries."

"The battery! Ah, remember science class? How we learnt how the battery is merely a storage container for chemical energy? Well, Hinata, you've got some chemical energy I've just been dying to tap into. We've got some potential for sparks! Yowch!"

"Right, chemicals. I need a sweet melon."

"Sweet melons… hmm, I probably shouldn't talk about that one," Sasuke conceded silently, placing a ripe, firm melon in his hand, squeezing it, then placing it in the basket.

"Good. Lastly, a bunch of bananas."

"Okay, I won't talk about these either. Here," Sasuke placed a bunch in her collection.

Hinata promptly paid the storekeeper (with minimal social interaction, so much so that Sasuke had to convince the man that he was not a ventriloquist and that Hinata was his puppet) and left the store, together with Sasuke.

Sasuke held his arm out to block the girl from going any further down the street.

"Wait, Hinata. There's one thing I'd like from you…"

Sasuke turned to the side of the store again to see if Kiba was still hiding. When he heard Akamaru bark once, he knew he could keep going.

'Okay, Kiba, you better witness this… I only want to do this once…' 

"Yes, Sasuke-kun?" Hinata asked, stopping to look at him.

"Hinata… would you mind terribly… if I asked you to… kiss me?"

"K-k-kiss? Err… I… sorry, Sasuke-kun, I just can't!" Hinata cried staunchly.

Sasuke, who had his eyes closed and his lips pouted the whole time, suddenly glared at her with a disbelieving scowl.

"What are you talking about? I'm Sasuke. You can kiss me now. C'mon!"

"Sorry, Sasuke-kun!"

And when the young man opened his eyes again, the girl was already dashing as fast as she could down the street back home.

"Kiba! Get up! We've got to chase her before she reaches back home!"

The dog-handler and his pet revealed themselves from behind the dumpster. He didn't like Sasuke's intentions at all, but as long as Naruto's name would be ruined…

"Fine! Akamaru! You lead! Sniff out, Hinata!" Kiba cried to his pooch.

And the dog-man pulled out a few blue strands of hair tied into a ribbon. He whiffed at it deeply in perverted delight and then allowed his dog a sniff to take the scent.

"Hinata's hair?" Sasuke asked pointedly.

"It gives me good luck," Was Kiba's reply.

"Why did you have to smell it like _that?_" Sasuke asked again.

"Shut-up! The girl is getting away! Let's go!" Kiba cried, going into a sprint.

"Yes! I'll get that girl! I'll get her even if I have to chase her back into her home!" Sasuke cried aloud, catching up to Kiba and Akamaru.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"DIE, WOMAN! HEAVENLY SPIN!"

"Sixty-four feet in your face technique!"

Suddenly… there was the sound of a door swinging open.

"Hi, Honey," The parents said at the same time to their beloved daughter as they charged their chakra for their techniques.

Only when she had scampered upstairs to her bedroom, had they returned to their battle.

"Huh? Oh-oh," a deep male voice uttered in surprise.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Wow! What are the odds, huh?" Kiba cooed to his bed-ridden friend.

Sasuke, who had eagerly chased Hinata back into her home, had unwittingly stepped into a duel between the Hyuuga parents, suffering blows that could kill a normal man. There were red hand and footmarks all over his body.

"It's strange, isn't it? Just how blindly those two folks go at it when they get mad?" Kiba said again, ruffling Akamaru's fur on his lap.

"Ouch… my body… Juken… so powerful…" Sasuke groaned, patting the bandage wrapped around his forehead.

"Well, I couldn't follow you in there… I saw the chakra explosions flashing out the window too, you know. What happened in there? I saw you hesitate, then charge in after her. Did you really get Hinata to kiss you?" Kiba asked curiously.

"I… I… Kiba, you won't believe what happened…Just make sure you tell Naruto that you witnessed the kiss and I'll still give you the two bags of dog food I promised," Sasuke gurgled.

"Y-yes, Sasuke-kun," Kiba replied.

Suddenly, the nurse walked into Sasuke's room.

"Mr. Uchiha? Again? Didn't we have you in recently? Hmm, you're beginning to become quite a regular around here. Just like that other one… what's his name…?" The dear old nurse pondered, searching her mind.

Suddenly, the sound of a curtain drawing over was heard from the bed opposite Sasuke's.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun! It's ME! ROCK LEE!" Lee cried, throwing the two fingers of peace into the air to compliment his broad, shining smile. Suddenly a huge cracking noise was heard, throwing Lee into a yell of pain.

"Oh brother, you're here too? And you're my neighbor? God," Sasuke groaned, feeling the pain in his body begin to grow. "Nurse, can I get a private room?"

"No, I'm afraid we can't do that. You'll be ready to leave here soon!" The nurse giggled. "Hey? Is that a dog? I'm sorry Mr. Inuzuka, but we'll have to ask you to take it outside."

"Okay, I was just leaving anyway," Kiba scowled back at her, nodding at Sasuke and Lee and jumping out of the window of the ward. "Remember the deal!"

"Sasuke! Why are you in here for?" Lee cried with an undying smile after Kiba had left.

"Well, Kiba was helping me trying to get a…" Then, Sasuke stopped.

"Trying to get a what?" Lee asked tentatively.

"Hmm, do you still train with Tenten regularly?" Sasuke asked the other patient, changing his stance in the conversation.

"Yeah, why?" Came the reply.

"Cause I have a feeling…" Sasuke trailed off.

Suddenly, the dark-haired boy felt a strange feeling crawl up his spine and he immediately felt dizzy and light-headed.

"My god! He's fainted!" The nurse cried, turning around from a chart she had been checking in an adjacent bed and seeing Sasuke's head fall suddenly onto his pillow.

"What the? Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun! Talk to me! Why did you want to know if I still trained with Tenten?" Lee cried out.

'Well, that's the first one taken care of…' Sasuke muttered to himself. 

'Taken care of', indeed.


	4. Insert Inaccurate English Translation

**Chapter Four – A 'Super Wonderful And Very Fantastic' Chapter**

Kankuroo, stoic and sardonic brother of the Sand, had his arms crossed over his chest.

"And if you help me, I could make it worth your while and…" 

Despite the pleasant sunshine beaming down on one of Konoha's most notorious parks, 'Lover's Lake', Kankuroo's mood was as bitter as ever. The fact that Naruto had been sitting next to him on his secluded bench, begging him to be a part of his stupid game, did little to improve his mood. Finally, after he had taken all that he could from Naruto's generous mouth, he acknowledged his requests.

"Please you got to help me! Sasuke has to be shown…" 

And Kankuroo finally clicked.

"Goddamn it, Naruto! You've been pissing me off for the last fifteen minutes! Why the hell are you following us around? If it's Gaara you want, I already told you: he's with the Hokage! I'm trying to relax and Temari's trying to do her exercises- we don't need an annoying loudmouth like you following us around!" Kankuroo exclaimed to the boy.

He clicked his lips and looked at his sister, the lovely Temari, performing a series of exercises designed to improve her ability to concentrate chakra. She was some distance away, so she could not hear what the two boys were talking about.

"Okay, you've got a point. But _please, _Kankuroo, just hear me out! What I need you to do really isn't that hard and I'm not asking for much. I just want you to witness something! _Please _help me out here- I can't let Sasuke beat me…" Naruto pleaded.

"Huh! What do I care about your stupid rivalry with that other Konoha kid? What is it that you want me to witness exactly? Something stupid, no doubt," Kankuroo replied.

The two sitting on the bench together were silent for a second. They both looked up at Temari, performing her techniques in a sparse clearing, oblivious to Naruto's most pressing need for her- oblivious to what was in store for her.

"Well, I need you to witness me kiss Temari," Naruto added reluctantly. "If you do this for me, I'll do whatever you want. All you have to do is tell Sasuke that I-"

"You need me to what?" Kankuroo suddenly snapped, staring down his nose at the young boy next to him. He was silent for a second, and for a moment, his stare seemed to burn holes through Naruto's face. "You… want to… kiss… _my_… sister?"

Both were silent. Kankuroo continued to stare the shorter boy down, while Naruto looked back with a childish, undying smile that shined with his naivety.

"Yeah…" Naruto replied stubbornly. "Exactly."

"I see…"

Kankuroo was silent for a moment.

"WAAAAHAHAHA!" Kankuroo cried as he suddenly burst into tears of laughter.

"What?" Naruto replied, confused at his reaction. "So will you do it?"

Kankuroo calmed himself down and said, "Naruto, if you _think _you can actually pull something like _that_ off on my sister then I welcome you to try! I am all but willing to be the witness of your attempt and… I definitely won't ask you for anything in exchange. Seeing the look on her face would be enough for me! Wahahaha!"

Kankuroo suddenly fell of his bench, clutching onto his belly and trying hard to wipe the tears from his eyes. He just could not believe what his young friend was proposing.

"Really? Great!" Naruto cheered enthusiastically.

"Oh, kid, I tell you… it's not going to be easy. Temari is as tough as nails and she'll bite your head off if you don't know what you're doing!" Kankuroo gasped, as he waved at Temari after she had cast him a worried glance after falling off of his seat.

"Really? Do you have any tips?" Naruto narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, trying hard to absorb Kankuroo's advice directly into his consciousness.

Such was his burning desire to win against Sasuke.

"Well, I can tell you that she will definitely only consider you if you are a _strong _man. If you show to her that you are weaker than she is, she will definitely not kiss you. Why, just a few weeks ago, she broke up with her boyfriend because he couldn't do as many push-ups as she could! It's really quite sad, but that how Temari operates."

"Stronger than she is? How do you think I should go about this? Should I challenge her to another push-up duel? How about an arm wrestle or an one-mile dash?" Naruto asked desperately, prodding for a feat that would prove his strength. He had every confidence in his ability.

"No, I am certain she can beat you in all of those without even lifting a finger," Kankuroo replied tiredly.

'_No way! She can't be this strong!'_ Naruto gasped inside.

"What you need to do," Kankuroo began mysteriously, "Is show her that your technique as a ninja is far more advanced than hers. You need to perform a jutsu so strong and so complex, so unlike anything she can even come close to understanding, to impress her heart into desiring you. Trust me, because I know my own sister, kid."

"Really?" Naruto's mind was already itching with possibilities, until it all centered on one obvious path to Temari's heart. "What about the Kage Bunshin?"

Kankuroo chuckled mockingly. "Kid, I've seen that technique way too many times to be impressed by it anymore. Don't even consider how unimpressed my sister would be. You need something more powerful and more flash!"

"How about the Rasengan?" Naruto cried excitedly, flashing an open palm to his informant.

"Won't work- our father used to know someone who could perform the technique and he'd bore us all day with his old-time stories. It just wouldn't hit the spot for her."

"Damn! Those are two of my best techniques! What else can I do?"

"Well, you better learn something quick, kid. You know, I'd definitely love to see you try and pull this thing off, but I got to tell you: Temari and I won't be available for the next few days or so. We've been sent to negotiate a few things with your Hokage, so we rarely get free time like this to relax in your village," Kankuroo quipped, scratching his chin.

"What! You mean you'll be tied up with stupid meetings this whole week? When will you guys be available again?" Naruto cried, feeling anxiety crawl over his body.

"How about this Saturday?" Kankuroo added hesitantly. "This Saturday is our only free day this week. Though you can also choose to wait until this week is over, because we'll be spending the last week of vacation here in Konoha."

Naruto thought to himself. He was already into the second week of vacation. He had wasted his first week recovering from Ino's attack and time had passed rapidly onto Monday of the second week. He couldn't risk making a Temari attempt on the third week, which he had already reserved for his final challenge, Haruno Sakura.

"No! We'll do this immediately! This Saturday is fine! Where and when can I come and meet you and Temari?" Naruto replied quickly.

"Okay, how about we meet again at six in the evening this Saturday. This park is really close to where we're staying, so the meeting place will be here, at 'Lover's Lake'. I'll be watching from the bushes over there and you can make your move on Temari before she's finished her evening exercises to get ready for bed," Kankuroo said, pointing to a large bush that sided over the small, private clearing where Temari was currently training.

"Sounds good! You'll be ready to witness me at six when I score the kiss!"

"Exactly, Naruto. Do your best…" Kankuroo replied with a mysterious tone in his voice. "I'm just dying to rub this into her face if you happen to succeed."

"Right… I'm just doing this to beat Sasuke, I hope you know."

But Kankuroo could not hear Naruto's last statement. He was eager to see what a promising, young man's determination could do to a woman as strong-minded and willed as his sister, Temari. He was just dying to have another gun against her.

"I know the perfect teacher to see for new techniques," Naruto added.

"And for your sake, you better hope your 'perfect teacher' knows something about women," Kankuroo added with a sly cynicism.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"C'mon pervert-sensei! You just _gotta _teach me some new moves!" Naruto cried at the top of his tiny lungs.

"Naruto…" Jiraiya hissed as he adjusted the lens on his binoculars, " I've already taught you the Rasengan. A move like that is as flashy as they come! And did you really have to bother me now, while I'm conducting my research? This is very… delicate stuff…"

Naruto watched as his old teacher brought a handkerchief to his chin to wipe away the drool coming down his lip. He had had a hard time tracking down his teacher who had carefully hidden himself atop a stone outcrop that overlooked the women's hot springs below. He was conscious of his time restraints and he was determined to get what he wanted from him.

"You don't understand," The young man, murmured back, "I can't let Sasuke beat me. It just wouldn't be fair… I'm desperate, Jiraiya-sensei!"

"You kids and your rivalries… it's all pointless. I was like you once, but then I grew up and realized that I really was the man all that time. I mean, look at Orochimaru: not only is he being a colossal ay-hole by attacking Konoha, but also, doesn't his body seem more feminine than Tsunade's? Just what the heck is this new competition you two are involved in this time? Something ridiculous and childish I bet," Jiraiya scolded.

"I… I need to impress a girl, pervert-sensei. I need to impress her enough to kiss me."

Jiraiya's body froze cold. Silence coated the air like morning frost. Naruto shivered when he saw his master's body become rigid and straight and for a moment, he thought his old master would pass out.

"Ji-Jiraiya-sensei?" Naruto mused worriedly.

Jiraiya swiveled around, seemingly without moving a muscle, to face Naruto fully. His right eye was twitching uncontrollably and freaked out his student to no end.

"Im-impress a… a girl? You need her to kiss you… you say?" Jiraiya said sternly, but with a dreamy disembodiment. "What sort of competition is this?"

"I need to get this girl to kiss me before the week's up, Jiraiya-sensei," Naruto said coolly, but carefully, knowing well that he must have hit a nerve in his teacher.

Both were silent for what seemed like an hour.

Jiraiya released his binoculars and they flung down flaccidly in front of his chest.

"Naruto, my boy! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY SINCE I FIRST MET YOU!"

Naruto took a step back, noticing an eerie red aura crawl over his sensei's throbbing face.

"BUNSHIN? RASENGAN? ALL CHILD'S PLAY COMPARED TO THE OTHER TECHNIQUES I KNOW! WAHAHAHA! NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU **_TRUE POWER! _**WAHAHAHA! QUICK, LET'S GO! BACK TO MY PLACE!"

"Ji-Jiraiya-sensei? What the heck just came over you? I only asked if you could-" Naruto stuttered to say, reluctance staining his voice.

"COME! I WILL SHOW YOU THE FORBIDDEN TECHNIQUES THAT THE GREAT MONK, CASANARUNOVA-SAMA HAD ONCE WIELDED! THE POWER THAT BRINGS WOMEN EVERYWHERE… TO THERE KNEES!"

"Oh no…"

And that, dear readers, is exactly what young Naruto poured his blood and sweat into: the forbidden techniques of Casanarunova.

Naruto would learn the hard way that with great power comes great responsibility.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The time had come.

It was six in the evening. It was Lover's Lake.

Naruto scampered over to his temporary ally, Kankuroo, who was readily hidden in the bushes besides the clearing.

"Psst! You just have to witness me do this, okay? Keep your eyes open and don't move from here!" Naruto ordered the other man.

"Can you chill out? I'm definitely going to stay and see what you do next!"

And, as Naruto left the hiding place from the side and began to carefully make his way over to Temari, he could faintly hear him muttering something…

"Dead man walking."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Temari was seated on the grass, in the middle of a chakra meditation exercise, when Naruto stumbled upon her. Her large, fear-inspiring fan stabbed into the ground beside her, as if it were an open sign that warded off people that would disturb her.

"Te-Temari-san, it's me, Naruto. We need to talk for a second," Naruto began.

Temari did not open her eyes.

"I saw you with my brother earlier this week. What exactly is this about?" She said coolly and without moving a muscle.

"Well, er, to be honest. I was just kind of interested in how your training was going and wanted to see what kind of new jutsu you have been working on since we last met."

"Really?" She replied with mock sarcasm, opening an eye to see if he was really serious. "No offense, but I think most of what I have learnt would be too advanced for you."

Naruto thought for a second, then smiled back at her with a subtle cocky glee.

"Well, no offense to _you, _Temari, but it just so happens I've been working on a few new techniques myself! Techniques that'd definitely blow your mind!"

Temari felt the confidence swell within him and opened both eyes to show her frustration. She thought about standing up, but thought better.

"Leave me alone, kid. You're disturbing my training," She muttered dismissively.

Naruto thought quietly for a few seconds before saying:

"How about this? We have a technique match!"

"A technique match?" She muttered back, her eyes refusing to close shut.

"You perform a technique, then I try to match it or do something more flashier. If I don't manage to match your technique, then… then I get a letter! Then it becomes my turn, and you have to match one of my techniques! First one to spell the word 'nin' loses! Got it? Oh! And the loser has to do anything the winner wants…"

'_Does this kid really think he can defeat my technique,' _Temari laughed inside.

She smiled and, for the first time since he had seen her, moved her body and got to her feet. As she brushed herself off, she said, "Who will be our judge?"

"Ju-judge?" Naruto mused curiously.

"Kankuroo, my brother, will watch us. He's always hiding somewhere nearby, I'll call him- Kankuroo! Kankuroo, get your butt in here!" Temari cried out to the evening park.

Naruto cleared his throat.

In a ruffle of leaves, Kankuroo appeared out of nowhere, directly between the two competitors. He gave Naruto a sly wink, indicating that he was still able to bear witness and that he understood what was going on since he had listened to their conversation.

Temari hurriedly explained what would be expected of her brother, even though it was no use, seeing as he had been listening the entire time.

"Okay! I'm first, Naruto! See if you can match this!" Temari declared defiantly. "Chakra Blast!"

The young woman spun around and forced her two arms into the air in front of her, producing a blast of chakra that illuminated their field for quite some time. It looked way flashier than Naruto's own Rasengan and at least five times as big!

Naruto looked down and thought about his increased repertoire of moves.

"Okay… Forbidden Technique: Fabulous Mystical Rose Garden Of Love!"

Kankuroo and Temari wrinkled their faces at the strange call. (As a side note, our translators sweated with nervousness, trying to interpret the strangely named moves.)

Suddenly, the air became thick with an all-encompassing scent of wildflowers and spring. Then, in twelve puffs of smoke that surrounded the two competitors, appeared twelve scantily dressed young women, each one more luscious and ravaging than the last. Each was covered in leaf bikinis and flashed a gorgeous smile to Naruto, before proceeding to prance towards Temari with pearly smiles, to throw roses at her feet, disappearing back into thin air as they did so, but not before launching kisses into the air.

Naruto fell down on the ground, his chakra reserves slightly expended, but still fine.

Temari was shaking, her face a contorted twist of confusion and bewilderment. She turned to her brother to see what he could make of it.

Kankuroo had already fainted onto his back because of the blood loss from his nose. Luckily, he still had the strength to point to the male competitor and mutter:

"Naruto's turn."

"Okay, Temari," Naruto smiled through gritted teeth. "See if you can match this!"

Temari braced herself and stared at him with a serious gaze, not willing to underestimate him again.

"Forbidden Technique: Super Wonderful And Very Fantastic Temptation Maneuver!" Naruto cried, closing his eyes shut and keeping his hands in the 'fox' seal.

"The what?" Temari wheezed, before several puffs of smoke plumed behind Naruto.

Kankuroo sniffed at the air, noticing the familiar wildflower scent hanging over the air again.

Suddenly, Naruto was surrounded by another bevy of young, attractive girls, each one dressed in middle-eastern, belly-dancer garb, slyly motioning to the girl with a single-fingered 'come here' motion. It was really quite disturbing. When Temari began to squirm at the strange feelings boiling within her while beholding such a provocative sight, she felt something touch her shoulder. She wheeled around with an alarmed gasp, and saw two of the girls from Naruto's jutsu holding her shoulders and kissing and licking the back of her neck. They held her from the waist and urged her to move closer towards Naruto and the larger pack of seductive beauties. It was all quite weird.

Then, just as Temari was being herded closer and closer towards Naruto's army, the jutsu ended and, in puffs of smoke, the girls disappeared.

"Well?" Naruto panted, opening his eyes. "Your turn to match me!"

Temari, who was still shaking off the strange choking feeling in her chest, turned to Kankuroo, who had fallen on his face in a pool of his own blood.

"Okay! I can… still win… this… Chakra Typhoon! Let the winds roar!" Temari cried, wielding her huge fan and swinging it with effortless might.

Naruto and Kankuroo looked on, but nothing much else happened. A cool breeze blew through and made the two boys feel slightly refreshed, but nothing much else.

'_My… my chakra… what did Naruto's jutsu do to my concentration?'_ Temari panicked.

"Naruto gets the point!" Kankuroo cried without hesitation. "Temari gets the letter 'N'!"

"My turn!" Naruto said without pause. "Forbidden Technique: One Thousand Incredibly Good-Spirited Pick-up Lines!"

"What the…?" Temari gasped.

The scent of wildflowers blanketed the air again and this time Naruto's crazy group of sexy, sexy women appeared behind him one by one, each one dressed in tattered and torn Japanese traditional robes and kimonos. The girls didn't seem to be bothered at all by the condition of their clothing, judging by the ludicrous smiles on their faces.

"Not again!" Kankuroo cried, collapsing against a tree in a torrent of nosebleed.

And suddenly, the girls, which had packed up to a great many behind Naruto, pranced up to Temari and, as they passed her, projected seductive whispers into her ear. Temari tried hard to shut her ears to the wisps of smoke that exited their mouths, but she could not stop them from snaking inside her mind.

"Will you be mine forever, Temari-sama?"

"I want you, Temari-sama, kiss me, please?"

"No other man can have you, Temari-sama…"

"You mean the world to me, Temari-sama…"

"Marry me, Temari-sama!"

God, it was disturbing.

Then, the jutsu ended, with Naruto falling on his knees again before another load of women could confess their love for Temari.

Temari tried hard to turn her head, but she found herself shaking in her spot, her knees threatening to buckle under the weight of her tenderized soul. Then, she heard her brother murmur, with all of his strength…

"Temari's… turn… to match! Gah!"

"I… err… I…" Temari struggled for words and then dropped her large fan, unable to bear it's awesome burden no longer. "I can't… focus… I can't fight…"

"Then… Temari gets… the letter 'I'!" Kankuroo snapped, his voice cracking as he collapsed again in a splurge of blood.

Suddenly, the young woman snapped into a desperate focus as she saw Naruto regaining his feet, his hair dramatically swept over his face to cover his eyes, burning with a fierce chakra.

"Wait! This is outrageous! Those aren't real techniques! What the-" Temari began, but was cut off when Naruto performed his next and final jutsu: the finishing move.

"Then this game is over, Temari! Forbidden Technique: Ridiculously Powerful One Million Kiss-Kiss Technique From The Eternal Lover Of The Shadow's Love Potion Hypnosis Technique That Curses For A Thousand Years! Release!" Naruto cried, melodramatic tears streaming down his face as he did so.

Really, there were no words to explain the incredible drama of the moment.

The familiar scent came over the clearing and the same puffs of smoke surrounded Naruto and Temari. Then, suddenly, uncountable groves of sexy, young women began to appear everywhere, each one clothed only by the smoke they had appeared in. And as they all turned to face Temari, their target in the center, they all invisibly whispered the same thing in her mind.

"You cannot resist Uzumaki-sama."

"You want Uzumaki-sama to be yours."

"You need Uzumaki-sama's kiss to live!"

Temari struggled to fight the one million voices, rubbing her head vigorously and with an intense drive to survive. Before long, the voices had broken through and had begun to drive her insane. Soon there was only one thing in her mind.

"Naruto. I need… Naruto! Argh! Ah!"

She turned to her brother, who had dropped into an unrecoverable coma, and then to Naruto, who was fighting hard to regain his composure under the incredible strain of the jutsu he had enacted.

"Kiss… must… kiss… Naruto…" Temari struggled to fight against herself, but found the need, nay, the very _hunger _within her was just too strong to resist.

And just as Naruto's chakra had exhausted itself and the clearing returned to normal, Temari did not. The same two words coalesced in her mind as she watched Naruto struggle to regain his feet and smile at her and cast a worried look at Kankuroo.

The same two words as he gazed upon his full, red lips.

The same two words as he gazed upon his deep, blue eyes.

'Kiss… Naruto…' 

When Naruto finally noticed that Temari's body posture had changed weirdly and he saw the strange look in her eyes, it was all he could do to bring his arms to his face and scream with horror and fright:

"Wait, Temari! Wait! Slow down! The jutsu… I didn't know it would go this far…!"

And no one was there to hear his blood-curdling scream. Not the people in their houses, nor the poor, unconscious Kankuroo.

And only when Temari began singing something under her breath, did Naruto really fear for his life.

"Temari and Naruto, sitting in a tree…"

"Nooooo!"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Naruto awoke in a hospital bed.

Again.

He looked up at the occupant of the bed next to him: a large, dark man.

"Kankuroo?" He asked to the figure in the bed beside him.

"Naruto… you're awake… I… we… blacked out…" Kankuroo groaned.

Naruto thought for a second then panicked as much as his strained body would allow.

"You mean you didn't see anything?" Naruto coughed.

"No… I'm sorry, Naruto… but don't worry… I'll tell him, you got it… It's the least I could do for… for showing me what heaven looks like…"

Naruto moaned in pain, but then felt exhaustion taking him away into another, darker world.

And as Naruto began to put his sore body to sleep, he heard the doctors outside saying:

"Put her in observation, she's become very disturbed. She won't stop saying his name for some reason… I'm sure it'll wear off after a while, right?"

"Hopefully," The other doctor concurred.

And that, my friends, was the story of how Temari came to develop a secret crush for our favorite ninja-boy.


End file.
